constancy that was the word that came after I had finished, no inkling of what the word was going to be. Though the word very much described my experience during the doing of this painting. I was in the last stages of working for a company which I had needed to finish earlier if i was looking after myself, but it seemed like a good idea and the hours were flexible and I could work from home a lot so it seemed good. But it was coming to an end, what had been useful before was no longer finding a hook in my life. I was in transition, things were changing family situations work situations study situations. New things were coming in old things were leaving or getting difficult as they no longer gave me satisfaction or was it simpler and deeper, more than meaning it was feeling that they no longer generated.
How to you keep hold of who you are in that centre of you, when all is changing. Like playing musical chairs the music stops and the chair you thought you desperately wanted is no longer there for you, but you haven’t quite figured out which the new one is? Life is confusing, unsettling, distracting, confidence is fleeting, disproportionate.
I think I discovered that what makes you is not what is happening around you, what what is happening inside in correspondence to that which is outside, but it is also inside. It is tricky, like skin, skin is not just on the outside, you have all kinds of skin inside the body. I seem to have an erroneous keratin cell that makes me pay attention to inside skin. So many of the metaphors about skin talk about the outside, the division between inside and outside, boundaries. It is not so simple, we have an outside edge and an inside edge and you cant really separate them though you can have an illusion it is that simple, but it just isnt. Sometimes you find an edge deep within your body, you cannot resolve it in your outside world, your interactions the butt ups. What is there pushing against it that is the other you? When can you let go and let the rivers of life take you where you need to be, but for which you are not quite ready. So much of life is taken up in these in between bits of life, so constancy helps me to navigate its depths not so much its recesses.