Drop Kick

drop kick 2003Drop Kick, has a couple of connotations… the first one was about kicking a ball high in the air…..as a kind of a chance ball…..not knowing what the arrangement of the players would be once the ball grounds again. The second was about being a left over, surplus to requirements, good for nothing forgotten.

Am I worth anything? What meaning/purpose/reason to I have for being here, what do I do now, what choices to I make. And hidden in all that is do I have meaning just in being…. Do I need to Do, to Be?

A common theme in any period of change, the new is not yet formed and the old is disintegrating as the new takes the energy of the old, foundations shift, the ground is unsteady. Anxious steps not knowing the validity of a new way of being.

This relates more closely to a change in personality a change in grounding beliefs, necessitation a risk of relationships to family and friends….risky business, this authentic self, the real self, that changes with life’s experiences and choices. Does not seem to have much going for it in the outside world, this shift within….. But when I was navigating one period of change the level of internal frustration was too much, like the shell could not contain the contents, the inside shifted stretched and squirmed and the outside broke. I no longer presented as the person I once was, I had to renegotiate relationships, crossing taboos of others in my groups. Self emergent not quite sure, but even then as the outside drifted into a chaotic molten mass, my inner self found form, the frustration gone, though the outside world was still renegotiating. Anxious constant change, but the inner core grounds this shift, knowing a truer self exists, that I had let form.

The images I painted reminded me of totems, projected protection touchstone emblem, internal contents made manifest in an outside world. The journey of finding how that new self finds similar contents in the outside world has been surprising, there was more than I thought…..

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